|This stuff is all true.
By day... I'm a commercial artist. By night, Im Jeffrey the Bold, King of the Italians
Ive had two death threats against me
Ive been shot at
I own 73 Hawaiian shirts... a testament to my unerring sense of fashion
The strangest commercial art assignment I ever took was for Mark David Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon. It still bothers me sometimes.
Ive had to take up to 43 pills a day plus injections to stay alive... count your blessings if youre healthy. Count em anyway even if you're not.
Ive gotten to shake hands with Doc Watson, Bela Fleck and Commander Cody.
I always wave at security cameras.
My only academic credentials are a local high school diploma because an education was so hard for me to get. As far as things go, Im a self-taught person.
When I was about 9 or 10, this one friend of mine stuck a Good and Plenty® in each nostril to be funny. When they got stuck and he couldnt get them out, he didnt think it was funny anymore. In fact, he was terrified. We, on the other hand, thought it was funny. Funny is hardly the word that describes what we thought it was.
My Great-Grandmother had diabetes. Back then there wasnt any treatment for it. They had to amputate each of her legs, one at a time. She buried each leg in her grave in its own little casket. When she died, they buried the rest of her.
I think you have nothing to lose by trying. JFK wanted Robert MacNamara as his Secretary of Defense. MacNamara protested that he wasnt qualified for the job. JFK told him: I don't believe there's any school for Presidents, either.
Im married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Now, I know some of you guys are going to stick up for your wives and disagree with me and everything. I respect that. I admire it too.
But youre still wrong.
I have an uncle who was an operative for the CIA and was posted in places like Moscow, India and Addis Ababa in Ethiopia.
I have a cousin who was assassinated after running afoul of La Cosa Nostra.
From my front door, I can look up Garden Street and see the West Avenue Cemetery, the site of the ancient Seneca village of Canandaigua. Now its a dead village full of dead people.
I think most people agree on many more things than they disagree on.
I never wear socks that match.
Once I was waiting in line at a grocery store and the Weekly World News had a headline that said Scientists Perfect Head Transplant. I didn't buy it and have regretted it to this day.
When I was 3, I drew a huge mural on my bedroom wall when I was supposed to be taking a nap. Done in crayon (the start of my Crayola® period), it featured the Cat in the Hat and Dr. Seuss other characters. I got a spanking, but my dad left it up for two weeks so all the neighbors could see it before he painted over it.
Above excerpts taken from Jeff Marinelli... My Amazing Life As A Big Fat Pain In The Ass... on sale now coast-to-coast wherever fine books of questionable taste are sold.